No one respects Green Lantern

There's a very definite hierarchy to the superhero world. You’ve got the big ones at the top - your Supermans, Batmans, and Spidermans.

In the middle you have your Flashes, Green Lanterns, and Hulks (and I would like to point out that the Hulk really shouldn't qualify as a superhero. He’s just a giant green ape who smashes things, so I hardly think he’ll be the first choice to save the earth when we finally do get invaded by aliens).

Finally, you have your third level superheroes (or as I like to call them, shit). That’s Aquaman, Plastic Man, and all those other rejects that sound like failed Mega Man robots. Aquaman? Please. Maybe if I was in the mood for a fisherman's platter I might call on Aquaman. He and Plastic Man can team up to form some sort of salmon fishing operation. Aquaman can call the fish to the surface, and then that plastic freak can transform himself into a huge bucket and scoop them up.

The superheroes I feel really bad for, however, are the mid-level guys. It’s like they’re so close, and yet, they still don't get the respect needed to be at that top tier.

When you think about it, Green Lantern is no different than Jan Brady. It’s like no matter what the guy does, no matter how many times he saves the world, that bitch Superman (or Marcia Brady) gets all the glory and chicks. Think about it- Superman has Lois Lane (and, at times, Lana Lang), Batman has Vicki Vale, Spider Man has Mary Jane Watson, and Green Lantern has.... The Flash. Not really a fair trade, especially when you consider the fact that Lantern really is a hell of a lot cooler than Batman. Batman has that cute little belt that holds instant sleeping pills and Ovaltine and whatever the hell else he feels he needs to get through the day. This clown once got locked in a giant clam, for God’s sake. Yet, when it comes to marketing, he's always at the top of the list.

Lantern, on the other hand, has a ring that allows him to do pretty much anything. The guy could destroy the Earth if he wanted to, yet on the Superfriends cartoon he’s relegated to shit like "I'll be here when you get back. I'll just make some tea and sandwiches.... 'cause I know you like 'em and all....... maybe I could wash Robin’s tights- they get awfully dirty...... oh, forget it."

At Superfriends parties, he’s the guy standing in the corner taking everyone's jackets/capes, trying to decide if he should approach Wonder Woman's little sister and ask her to dance to David Bowie's "Modern Love".

The guy can’t even get a good villain. When you think classic superhero villains, you think Lex Luthor, or The Joker (not the Cesar Romero joker, but the twisted bastard from the comics who would slice Batman’s throat sooner than breathe), or even the Green Goblin. Lantern has Sinestro, some huge headed goof with a Gomez Addams mustache and maroon tights who once had the indignity of being played on a 1979 NBC special by Charlie Callas.

If I was Lantern, the next time I got called on to save the Earth from slobbering space monkeys, I'd tell Superman to screw himself, use Robin as a human shield to barrel my way through the invisible monkey forcefield, then head for the Bahamas dragging Lois Lane behind me by the hair. Maybe that’ll learn 'em not to screw with the Lantern!

Misinterpretation

I had written a much longer piece about this topic but I'm having a hard time finding that fine line between expressing my legitimate opinion and coming across as offensive. Since I honestly don't want to do the latter I'm holding off on that one. I know the legions of people who read my blog (thanks to both of you) will be disappointed. It's not as if I have anything particularly poignant to say about the topic of religion, or at least anything that others who share my viewpoint haven't said thousands of times in the past, but sometimes you reach a stage in your life where you feel you need to vocalize these thoughts if for no other reason than to have a much-needed cathartic experience.

I don't dislike people of faith. I can see how faith could be a very powerful and positive force in ones life. What I have a problem with are certain individuals who feel they're good people simply because they can quote bible verses, stand on street corners holding "Trust Jesus" signs, or because they go to some building every week and act all somber and weepy.

So many things in life I don't understand. For one, how can books which, from my limited knowledge of religion, have such a basic message of "be cool to each other", be so badly misinterpreted? You never hear of atheists killing or committing horrible acts in the name of atheism. Maybe it's time to take these religious books away. It's kind of like in school when one kid was acting up and the whole class got punished. Little Johnny ruined it for everybody. Maybe the extremists have ruined the bible (and the Koran, and all the other books that may be floating around out there) for everyone else. Still, if you feel you really need some sort of a book to tell you or your kids how to behave, instead of just doing so because of your own inner sense of morality, just read Goofus and Gallant in Highlights for Children. I can't imagine reading Highlights would start anyone on the slippery slope that leads to attacking homosexuals with baseball bats, protesting outside of military funerals, or flying airplanes into buildings. Then again, I've been wrong many times before.

More to come, once I can discover where the line between condescending and thoughtful is.