Weight a minute!

Women don't have a monopoly on body image issues. I'm a guy and they've plagued me for years (though, to be fair, I'm not exactly “Mr. Testosterone”. I think I may have accidentally watched a football game once while I was distracted, and hard liquor gives me heartburn).

To say I've struggled with my weight over the years would be like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer had unique views on what constituted quality dinner ingredients. I have one of those fun little psychological issues that makes me see myself differently than anyone else. Y'know those women in 60's and 70's sitcoms who would go around constantly asking their husbands “do I look fat”? Bitch, please. I was doing that in grade school. I was definitely a little chunky at certain stages as a kid, which “friends” at school had no problem pointing out (often daily), though to be fair I take great comfort in knowing that while I “blossomed” into the gorgeous creature I am now, many of those people have either ballooned to epic proportions, have miserable home lives and/or failed marriages. Yes, I'm petty, so that makes me feel good.

Like anyone else I wanted to attain that media idea of perfection. Rock hard stomach, firm upper body, and I wouldn't mind being about 4 inches taller. I say the same things everyone else says: “Oh, I'll start watching what I eat on Monday”, or “I'll start going to the gym every single day starting tomorrow”. The problem is waiting until tomorrow while there's ice cream in the house today. And don't say not to buy it. That's the kind of subversive talk that gets people killed.

For a brief period from 1992-1996, and again from 2001-2003 I was relatively thin. I lived the thin lifestyle and enjoyed all the perks that came with it. Admission to high end social clubs, my pick of the hot relatives at at cotillions and quinceañeras , extra Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons. Y'know... standard issue type things for us breathtaking individuals.

The thing is, though, my brain has finally started to come around as I get older. There's a colossal difference between the “ideal” and the “norm”. Yeah, I have a few extra pounds. At least my man boobs are firm, though. No undue jiggling. I eat well (well, in addition to the cookies and ice cream), and my blood pressure and cholesterol numbers are so perfect I get “great job” written on my copy of the paperwork, like when you did really well on a spelling test in 3^rd grade. I'm surprised I don't get a sticker, too.

So, the way I see it, for me at least, the choices are:

1) Be happy with the level of gorgeousness I've attained, be glad I'm healthy, and still eat pizza and cookies (or cookie-topped pizza), or,

2) Worry about what everyone else thinks, subsist on distilled water, tree bark, and salad, and be miserable.

One day we're all going to die, get thrown in a box and eaten by worms (or be burned and have our ashes scattered over the ocean or kept on a mantle to provide all sorts of comic possibilities). We only come this way once.

Now, I’m not saying I wouldn't be happy dropping a few. Also, if you're regularly mistaken for the Kraken, or you pick your teeth and an entire canned ham falls out, you may want to reconsider some of your dietary choices, but if you're healthy, be happy, and stop worrying so much about how you’re viewed by others, because honestly, people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they really aren't paying that much attention.

Unless you're ugly... I never had that problem, though.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 19

Charlie Brown

Who doesn't love Good ol' Charlie Brown? That little bald kid who never grows up has the perfect attitude towards life. He fails, and fails, and fails, yet he keeps on trying. He's possibly the most incompetent pitcher in the history of pee-wee baseball, as he is disrobed and concussed after each pitch. He has an ungrateful dog who is too busy writing terrible mystery novels and pretending his dog house is a World War I fighter plane to pay his owner any attention, despite the fact that without Charlie Brown he would have no food, shelter, or love. He has the weirdest and most sociopathic group of "friends" in the history of comic strips: Lucy, the bitchy control-freak; Linus, the pumpkin obsessed blanket lover; Schroeder, the genius pianist who may be a savant; Pig-Pen, the hygiene-impaired dirtball; and same-sex couple Marcy and Peppermint Patty.

Despite being surrounded by this veritable rogues gallery of defective humanity, and having little to no parental guidance, Charlie Brown manages to show us that if you keep positive and stay focused, you can lead a completely mediocre life.And for most of us, that's really the best we can hope for.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 18

The Blob (1958 original)

The 1950's were such an innocent time. At least that's what my older family members take great pride in informing me of whether I ask them or not. To be fair, the 50's do sound as though they were pretty idyllic: no one was afraid of being shot at school or in a crowded mall/movie theater, Don Henley was not yet assaulting our ears with his laid back California rock nonsense, and apparently no matter what you purchased, whether it was a soda, a book, a pair of shoes, or a new car, it only cost a nickel.

Horror movies were also much more innocent. Take The Blob. Starting with a bizarrely catchy theme song (written by Burt Bacharach, no less), you have Steve McQueen and Aneta Corseaut (the second, more annoying girlfriend from The Andy Griffith Show) battling a giant glop of Jell-O from outer space. The plot unfolds in essentially the same as any modern horror movie. Dumb guy pokes around at something he shouldn't (in this case a meteor), cracks it open, then jabs at what's inside with a long stick. The 21st century does not have a monopoly on moronic behavior.

From that point on the Jell-O monster starts absorbing everyone it comes into contact with (though it's hard to feel bad for the alcoholic car mechanic who sounds like he may also be a wife beater), getting bigger and redder, until finally it tries to engulf an entire diner, only to finally be defeated by a mob of townspeople armed with fire extinguishers.

I have a few more things to say on the subject of this movie, but a meteor just landed in my backyard and I have to find a long stick with which to jab at it. Be back in a bit.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 17

New Sneakers

There are few experiences in life as fulfilling as purchasing a new pair of sneakers (especially if, like me, your life has been relatively sheltered). When I was a kid new sneakers were the undisputed highlight of my year, even when my mom would take me to Payless and get me the generic store brand.

I loved everything about the experience. Lifting the flap on the box, removing the wadded pieces of tissue paper from each shoe, doing up the laces for the first time. Bliss.

Over the years I have become partial to Adidas, specifically blue. I once bought four pairs of bluebird Campus II sneakers at once because I heard they were going to stop making them. Also, I have mild obsessive compulsive disorder, especially when it comes to hygiene, so unlike some people who run a pair of sneakers into the ground until the sole is flopping off or there are ragged tears in the side, the second there is any sign of abnormal wear, I discard them and move on to the next pair.

Go ahead and buy a new pair this weekend and just see how your mood improves. One caveat though; you have to buy them for yourself. I can't guarantee the same happiness will apply if you are buying sneakers for all seven of your children.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 16

The Electric Light Orchestra

Anyone who knows me will be shocked that it took me 15 days to get to ELO. I love ELO. It's difficult to quantify my love, but in my dreams my married name is Mark ELO. Take the sweetest chocolate you've ever eaten, multiply it by the best sex you've ever had, and then multiply that figure by three million. That's only half as amazing as ELO. They are all that is good, joyous, righteous, and amazing about the world. Slick, wall of sound, super-produced (if "stripped down" is your thing, y'ain't gonna find it here), brain-numbingly catchy, string-infused ear candy that only an uptight music snob or otherwise miserable bastard could not enjoy.

Jeff Lynne (or as a friend of mine calls him, "the fuzzy Wilbury"), a man who has probably forgotten more catchy hooks and riffs than most bands have even recorded,  has written so many classic tunes that it's hard to comprehend why he is not the president of the United States. Actually, the fact that he's British may be the answer to that question. Whatever, I digress.

Am I being overly effuse in my love and adoration of this man and his band? Perhaps, but possibly no more than Deadheads, Phish-heads, Dave Matthews Band-heads (not sure if that's an official name), or people who sleep in the cold and rain to be the first in line for an iPad.

Make a playlist of some of ELO's classic hits and not only will you will never be sad again, you may also possibly achieve a spontaneous orgasm*.

You can thank me later.

*May not apply to uptight music snobs or otherwise miserable bastards

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 15

Old School Video Games

I love hitting question mark-adorned boxes with my head without fear of concussion and earning coins in the process. I love jumping down massive green pipes and ending up three towns away. I love leaping on platforms and firing my Mega Buster at one of Dr. Wily's evil creations. I love knocking the stuffing out of Piston Honda, Soda Popinski, and Super Macho Man on my way to an epic showdown with Mike Tyson. I love running across screen after screen of alligators and pits, swinging on a vine, and picking up huge pieces of gold in the process. I love just randomly saying "Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right B, A, Start" and seeing who reacts.

In short, I love old school video games. I adore them. The Atari 2600, while not played nearly as often as my Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) or Super Nintendo (SNES), still has a place of honor in my collection. After all, chintzy graphics aside, the Atari 2600 offered some incredibly addictive titles. Pitfall, Pitfall II, Montezuma's Revenge (Possibly one of the most sophisticated games produced for the 2600 console, along with Pitfall II), Keystone Kapers, Mountain King, and many others. In fact they produced so many fun titles that they can almost be forgiven for E.T., which nearly single-handedly destroyed the video game market in 1983.

What's great is that you can even find a lot of these classic games on eBay at extremely reasonable prices. eBay is where I bought my SNES Super Star Wars a couple of years ago, one of the most enjoyable games I've ever played.

I also love the simplicity of the controls of these old school systems. Nothing could be simpler than the classic Atari joystick - one button. Today's controllers make me want to cry. Buttons on the front, top, back, and sides? That requires a level of coordination I could never hope to posses. I also don't need my games to look like real life. I'm playing video games to get away from real life. In fact Pitfall Harry already looks eerily similar enough to a real person to me (my anorexic cousin Patti).

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 14

Vinyl Records

I used to have a lot of records, but over time as technology advanced and I became lazier, I moved on to CDs and MP3s. Recently, though, I've begun to collect certain titles on vinyl again, and I forgot just how satisfying LPs can be. You actually have to put some effort into playing them. Carefully sliding it out of the paper sleeve, placing the needle, flipping the sides, and if you want to hear the same song again, you can't just press a repeat button. It's a labor of love (though to be fair, not a lot of labor).

Another great thing about records? The sleeve. That amazing album artwork was not meant to be shrunk down to the size of a CD cover. In the 60's and 70's album art was as much a part of the album as the record itself. There are even websites devoted to the greatest album covers of all time.

You may have to put up with the occasional skip or crackle, but if you are of a mind to do so, they even have record cleaning machines.

Records are awesome, and so they earn a place on the list of awesome things.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 13

All-Night Diners

All-night diners -  they're a window into America's past, when they were as common as people complaining about breakups on Facebook. If you're like me sometimes you wake up at 2am starving, and just standing bleary-eyed at the kitchen counter, robotically stuffing Oreos into your pie-hole just doesn't really get the job done. You want an entire dinner - shrimp scampi, a steak, fish and chips... whatever. All night diners serve that function. The solitude is pretty nice, too. More than likely you won't be surrounded by screaming children, unless the particular diner you're visiting is also frequented by the type of parents who bring their kids to the midnight showing of Paranormal Activity.

To be fair, while you're enjoying the solitude, you're probably unknowingly keeping that one waitress who is on the late shift company, but it's an unsaid company. You're just sitting there looking out into the darkness sipping coffee, watching the occasional headlight pass by, and she's just glad that there's someone else there with her, so that in case someone decides to rob the place, they might focus on you first, giving her the chance to sneak out the back.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 12

Getting turned on to new music

I can't stand most modern music. To my ear there's a certain boring "sameness" to it. The last time I was turned onto something new was 2004, when I got hooked on Electric Six. Prior to that it was 1995 when I became obsessed with Supergrass. Basically I like what I've liked since I was a kid, with little variation. That means a steady diet of ELO, Queen, The Beatles, Elton John, and a few others (and to be fair I will never stop listening to these bands on a daily basis, but you know what they say about variety. Something about being spicy). Fortunately, getting turned onto new music doesn't necessarily mean the music itself has to be new. To paraphrase an old NBC slogan (because I don't want to get sued), "if you haven't heard it, it's new to you". The point is, I learned that because I may not like most of what is out there today doesn't mean I can't find something or someone new to enjoy.

For example - I can't stand "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" by Leo Sayer. So, because that was the only Leo Sayer song I had honestly ever heard, I decided I couldn't stand Leo Sayer. However, I recently found out he wrote and originally performed a Three Dog night song I love ("The Show Must Go On").  So, I listened to the Sayer version on Rhapsody, couldn't believe how much I loved it, and now I like Leo Sayer. Funny how that happens (though I still can't stand "You Make Me Feel like Dancing" - you can only expect so much personal growth at one time).

Additionally, a friend, through his obsessive compulsive Facebook postings about the Beach Boys, piqued my interest and so I decided to check out some stuff beyond their greatest hits, and of course, a lot of it was truly amazing (The Smile Sessions album in particular).

So, if you're like me and find most of what is produced today to be incredibly unappealing (to be fair I'm getting old and I don't really think it's meant to appeal to me anyway), take a look through some back catalogs, or check out some of the influences on your favorite artists. You may surprise yourself and start to lead a happier life.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 11

A package of new pens

There's something almost cathartic about a package of new pens. They represent a new beginning. The user can get off to a fresh start and use them to pay new bills, to write new phone messages, and to create new to-do lists that will be stuck on the fridge and perhaps glanced at once every few weeks before finally being crumpled into a small ball and tossed into the trash, with only the first item, "replace smoke detector battery", completed. There are innumerable things that can be done with a new pen until such time that it is inevitably lost under the couch or accidentally run through the washing machine.

If you've ever worked in an office you know that hungry, almost insanely lustful look people get in their eyes when the supply drawer is restocked. Often times the individual who has been assigned the thankless task of maintaining the supplies has to come in early or leave late, just so that he or she can fill the drawer unmolested. Like a gazelle in the open plains, they are always looking over their shoulders, casting furtive glances into the darkness of the surrounding cubicles, knowing the onslaught could come at any moment. These pens are hot property, Jack, and combined with the fact that there might be some of those little colored paper clips? You can't be too careful.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 10

Watching the opening moments of Rocky III*

To be fair, the only difference between the opening of III and the first two movies is that this time, while Bill Conti's fanfare plays, the title scrolls across an image of the championship belt (you know, that chintzy one that looked like it was made by a kid in 4th grade art class using metal from a trophy shop and some red, white, and blue ribbon) instead of a black background. Still, that championship belt is shiny, and shiny is always good. Plus, III begins with the closing moments of Rocky II, and while the original Rocky was the best of all of the movies........

 SPOILER ALERT DESPITE THE FACT THAT ROCKY II IS 34 YEARS OLD

.....Rocky wins at the end of II, and that's awesome. So between the shiny opening and the recap of Rocky winning the title, the opening of Rocky III deserves a spot in the happiness recommendation list.

*Give me a break, we have 365 of these recommendations to get through.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 9

Getting Packages

There are very few things I love more than pulling into my driveway and seeing boxes stacked in front of the the door. The only thing better is when that initial feeling of disappointment when the package I was expecting isn't there turns to pure unadulterated joy when I find that it has been placed at the back door. UPS likes to mix it up now and then, and I applaud them for that.

Everybody loves receiving packages, because we know they're not bills. If you're like me you do a lot of online shopping, and with Amazon prime you can get those little bundles of materialistic happiness shipped to you in 24 hours for only $3.99 (or if you can wait an extra 24-hours, for free!).

And do you know what makes this already awesome experience exponentially awesomer*? Getting a package on a day that you thought was a mail holiday! That's pretty much mind blowing right there.

*not a real word

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 8

Pop Tarts (The brand names, slogans, characters and other trademarks, as well as the package designs of all Kellogg’s® products and promotions belong exclusively to Kellogg Company and /or its subsidiary companies, and are protected from copying and simulation under national and international trademark and copyright laws and treaties throughout the world)

Who doesn't love a Pop Tart? Well, vegans, I suppose. But I don't enjoy tree bark, so I guess that makes us even.

Probably not fitness nuts, either. Still, it's hard to take seriously someone who won't even let 18 inches of snow get in the way of their skimpy-shorted, frog-flipper-shoe-wearing three mile run around the neighborhood.

So basically, if we discount all of the groups who tend to not love Pop Tarts, then I think we can safely say everyone loves Pop Tarts. As they should.

These little magical frosted pieces of sugar are a miracle of heavily processed and fortified snack foods. Would an orange be healthier? Of course, dingus, but it's not nearly as satisfying. Another check in the Pop Tarts column? Accessibility. Peeling an orange, at least for me, is a dreaded, painful, colossally messy process. Possibly because I don't have an actual orange peeler, but mostly because I'm an impatient spaz. In fact, the Pop Tart can almost be considered a fruit if you think of that thin foil wrapper as a peel. Plus some are actually fruit flavored!

It's impossible to open up your cabinet and see a box of Pop Tarts and not smile. Try it. I'll wait. Vegans or vegetarians, you can go do something else right now, like shopping for Birkenstocks or hassling your friends because they enjoy a hot dog now and then.

Done? OK, now open the cabinet again and look at a can of tuna or sweet corn. Same smile?

A Pop Tart a day - part of your prescription for a happier life.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 7

Playlists

Anybody raised in the 80's and early 90's remembers making mix-tapes. Unless you're Amish. In which case you're not reading this anyway. Unless you're one of those part-time Amish. I suppose that's possible.

Anyway.....

There was something almost creative about that whole manual process of pressing play, then pressing pause and record at the same time, then unpausing at just the right moment (finally getting that first note of the song after three or four tries), realizing the levels weren't right, stopping the recording, rewinding the cassette, waiting those few seconds for the tape to get the recordable bit, and on and on and on. Of course you had limited space so maybe you had to put a song on there that you didn't like as much as another simply because you couldn't squeeze the one you preferred onto the available recording space of that cheap, hissy piece of plastic (though there were Type II tapes, which were slightly less cheap and hissy). Of course then CDs came along, which made the whole process of recording (as long as you had tracks saved to a computer) simpler, but really, there was still that problem of limited space. It was irritating, but a labor of love. Much like love in general.

Again, anyway......

Now we have iTunes, Rhapsody, and Spotify. We can make playlists of unlimited length simply by dragging and dropping, or clicking a button, and on some of these services even instantly share them with family and friends (or in the case of Facebook, acquaintances and people we barely remember yet still feel the need to share with them what we had for dinner last night and what we thought of The Hobbit). Life is all about sharing the things we love (whether the sharee wants us to or not), and technology makes it that much easier for us to do so.

If you're a member of Spotify you even get alerted when a new playlist has been published. We get diverse playlists such as Baroque Chamber Music of the 17th century", or "My Favorite Phish", which is a 14-hour playlist made up of two of the group's shorter song, when they really weren't "feeling it".

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 6

Found Money

Finding money in old clothes is always awesome, regardless of the amount. I once found a quarter in an old jacket and immediately began planning all of the amazing things I was going to buy with it. I was 32 at the time. I even have a system that insures I will find money in some old clothes at least once a year.  I take either a $10 or $20 bill (usually from a friend or family member's wallet when they're not looking, because found money is even more fun when it's not yours), then I go to my closet, close my eyes, and feel around until I come across a pocket, then stuff the bill inside. At some point in the coming months I'm in for quite a surprise (or sooner if a friend realizes I stole from them).

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 5

Cancelled Social Events

If you're like me, sometimes you say "yes" to things you don't really want to do just because of a misguided sense of loyalty, or because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Also, if you're like me, you then spend most of the day of thinking of a realistic excuse (being sick is a very common excuse, but not very reliable. Neither are "family issues", "personal issues", or "my car won't start") to get out of said event. However, sometimes the person who invited you to this event in the first place becomes your knight in shining armor, as they actually cancel for you! To be fair, maybe you're the only one they're calling to cancel because they only invited you out of their own misguided sense of loyalty, but still.... you're off the hook!

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 4 of 365

Mark's Recommendations for a Happier Life
January 4th, 2013

Wicker chairs

Admit it. You love wicker. That crunchy, squeaky, creaky noise it makes as you sit down, as well as that moment of pure terror you feel wondering if it will actually support your weight or if you'll end up on the floor with a herniated disc.You know you've even considered doing the whole house in wicker, though figuring out how to wickerize the toilet has proven to be more troublesome than you had anticipated.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 3 of 365

Mark's Recommendations for a Happier Life
January 3rd, 2013

Roger Moore as James Bond

Movie snobs salivate over Sean Connery as James Bond. And really, why not? He was the first, and arguably the best. However, by overlooking the offerings of my personal favorite 007, Roger Moore, you miss out on so much: Christopher Lee's third nipple; Richard Kiel as a maniac with metal teeth; Geoffrey Holder (or as I'm sure he likes to be called by strangers in the street, "the 7-Up guy") done up in voodoo paint and laughing maniacally as he perches on the front of a speeding train; space shuttle sex; and, of course, the absolute best theme songs (the name Paul McCartney may ring a bell). Perhaps best of all, though, you get a movie named Octopussy.

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 2 of 365

Mark's Recommendations for a Happier Life
January 2nd, 2013

Chicago - Feelin' Stronger Every Day (2:09- end)

At 2:09 the tempo really picks up, Peter Cetera gets extra Peter Cetera-ish, building to those insanely funky horns kicking in at 2:41. This is a great Chicago song to run on a treadmill to, certainly better than "If You Leave Me Now", which will bring any run to a depressing halt (though not as depressing a halt as "Honey", by Bobby Goldsboro, possibly the worst song ever recorded).

365 Days of Awesome Things - Day 1 of 365

Since I haven't posted a blog entry in a year and a half, I thought I would take the opportunity the new year affords us all to start fresh. This is actually a project that will cover all 365 days of the year. Each day I will recommend something that will bring joy to your miserable lives. I can't say for a fact that you're all miserable, but from what I can gather from the Facebook news feed, many of you are. You're not appreciated. You have a past that people won't let you forget. You've been hurt. You're an emotional cripple. We get it. You're screwed up. So is the rest of the human race. We just don't whine about it quite as much as you. But, I digress.

If you're like me, you never, ever, click on the links people include in their status updates when they say "this song is great"! Also, if you're like me, you know it's because their taste is very, very dull.

Now, with me, it's different. I'm a certified genius, and I have the paperwork from the Massachusetts State Genius Level IQ Panel* to prove it. Everything I say is interesting, witty, and guaranteed** to turn even the most miserable and boring individual into a slightly less miserable and boring individual.

So, enough with the yak yak. Here we go.

*Organization does not exist
**Guaranteed results not guaranteed

Mark's Recommendations for a Happier Life
January 1st, 2013

The Muppets

If you don't like the Muppets, it's safe to say you are a terrible person. Everybody likes the Muppets. They're cute, witty, and are probably better dinner conversation than anyone else I know, despite the fact that they have a hand thrust up their butts. I dare you to watch The Great Muppet Caper and not laugh when Kermit asks if anyone brought anything to cut through steel bars with, and Lew Zealand helpfully offers a roll of paper towels.  It's OK to not like the movies produced after Jim Henson passed away, although 2011's The Muppets is close to genius. I, mean, c'mon - The Swedish Chef with a flame thrower? You can tell he's saying "say hello to my little friend" before he torches the fridge full of rotten food. Good stuff. Good stuff.