In Case of (My) Death, Break Open

I'm fairly obsessed with the idea of how I'm going to be remembered when I’m gone. I have this morbid feeling that I'm going to die young. I'm 39 and have felt this way since my 20's. I've somehow cheated it for the intervening years but it's a feeling or premonition I’ve never been able to fully shake. I feel like, despite being in good health, I’m going to die of a heart attack, or in a car accident.

A lot of this is out of my hands, but regardless of how or when I go, I want to be remembered for something. Preferably something positive, not including chlamydia tests. I think a lot about the way I'm perceived, and I don't want the last thing I say to be something sarcastic or insensitive, though it probably will be because I say a lot of things that are sarcastic and insensitive. The main reason I don't want the very last thing I say to be something sarcastic or insensitive is that that people will say it's karma, and that I deserved it.

So in case something happens and all of a sudden I’m no longer around, I wanted to make something clear.

I always mean well.

Regardless of what I may say or how it sounds, I have the best of intentions (unless you're my dad's wife, in which case I hope you slip on vomit). As much as people irritate me in more ways than Heinz has varieties, I do actually like them. I like to make people laugh, and sometimes in my zeal to do so I’m called “inappropriate”. I would just say it's not my fault you're so sensitive. Then again I’m the most sensitive person I know, to a fault. Look at me cross-eyed and I'm going to think about it all day. I just get fed up with life's absurdities and allow them to bug me more than most people.

My body is composed of 60% water and 40% pet peeves. If I call attention to these pet peeves it's not that I’m trying to embarrass or shame anyone, it's that I truly want these people to know how, in just one person’s opinion, ridiculous they are so that maybe they'll change and make the world a better place, at least for me. I'm just trying to help in my own confused and unhelpful way. That's at least how I justify these thoughts in my head. I'm not naive enough to think people will change, just as I'll never stop being sarcastic, inappropriate, and posting pictures of my cats on social media sites. In reality I can't imagine anyone being so self-conscious that they would take the opinion of a guy who essentially picks up dog shit for a living with anything other than a grain of salt. 

I just want people to know how mind-bogglingly ridiculous they look wearing those running “shoes” with the individual toes. They look bad enough running in them, but when worn as casual footwear I just want to gouge their eyes out.

I want people to know that unless they're Superman, blue pants and a red shirt are a terrible combination.

I want middle-class and affluent white Christians to stop crying about how persecuted they are when they are, in reality, among the most privileged and the luckiest individuals in the world.

Those are just a few examples.

I always wanted to be a writer, but lacked the discipline (and if I'm being honest, possibly the talent) to do so. I never pursued it, instead wasting nine years working at a supermarket, one horrible year at a paper company (think Dunder Mifflin but without the comedy and likeable characters), and then nine years at an insurance company, where my soul was slowly and almost completely sucked from my body, leaving me a withered husk. I think my sense of humor is what saved me from actually curling up in a ball and dying.

If the best I can do is make occasionally witty (though more often than not, annoying) social media updates and blog posts then at least that's something. One day maybe I'll even have enough to publish my own book, probably titled “The Wit and Wisdom of a Man-boy”, or “Who Asked You?”.

I just hope people will care when I’m gone. I know my family will, but I just want the general consensus to be “Oh yeah, he was a nice person.” I've pretty much grown apart from most of my friends, either because I'm not into beer and sports, or because I'm holding a grudge against those who don't realize/care that I'm doing it (which totally takes the fun out of it). I actually texted another friend who didn't wish me a happy birthday to tell him that it was my birthday and told him I’d give him a week to come through with the well wishes. 6 weeks later that text still hasn't even been acknowledged. Is that petty on my part? Probably, but we all have our moments of pettiness and stupidity.

I suppose it's also possible that I care too much. We don't all have some amazing legacy. I'll never cure a disease, win an Oscar, or paint a masterpiece. On the other hand I'll never convince a mass of people to ingest poisoned Kool-Aid at my Guyana compound, murder and torture innocent women who were just trying to go about their jobs at South Chicago Community hospital, or be the drummer for The Eagles. I have, so far, lived a good and personally fulfilling life. I've always done what I’ve wanted (some of these things I'm told have been “sketchy”, but you only live once) without hurting anyone else in the process, so that's something. Maybe that's the best I can hope for. I never hurt anyone else..... and there are far worse things to be remembered for.